Tuesday, August 17, 2010 @ 1:35 AM
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Something has been holding me back from moving on and I think i figured out what it is. It's not the fear of starting a relationship again. I'm actually afraid of failure. But what confuses me is the fact that i've failed in many relationships, so why does the recent one with Beng affected me really badly?
It was only with him, I realized that the relationship with the most suffering and pain is the one we always treasure most. I don't know bout the rest of you girls but I tend to remember those who were absolute jerks to me, and I myself get irritated with that. I went through A LOT when I was with Beng. I've learned many things and managed to change a few of my flaws that he pointed out. It is a big issue okay cause being me, I hate to admit to my own mistakes. So if you hear me apologize, I really mean it.
At first I thought it was worth suffering for him. Then again, what did I gain? Don't talk to me about luxury, it don't mean a thing to me, seriously. Yes, he paid for food and whatnots. He had a car, easy for us to go anywhere but I didn't care about all that. I'd still be with him even if we had to go public.
It's just that, I just had a tinge of hope that he would somehow change and things would work out for us eventually. I was thinking far already. And what I meant by that was, I was thinking of our future and I never felt so sure of it. I wanted to be with him and wanted a family of my own with him! I was somehow convinced that I was able to make my parents accept him, even though I knew that was almost impossible.
SIGH.
I promised him that I would stick by him no matter what happens and guilty as charged, I broke my promise and I wish to apologize to him but i'm to embarassed of myself to even do so. I couldn't even text him what more face him. I wish he knew how sorry I am. I know he still loves me very much and he misses me as well. If he says he doesn't, he's lying. And bukan aku tak tau malu, I just know him very well. We had something really special. It was a relationship I never had with anyone else before.
But when it comes to these sweet moments, the part when I miss him and all, I start thinking of the things he had done that betrayed my trust. He played behind my back, one too many times and that's when I start hating him all over again. But I just hate the fact that, I was still crazily in love with him even though I hated him so much for betraying me. So much so that I said...
"Please, if you're doing anything behind my back, please don't let me find out. I don't even wanna pry and find out myself. It hurts way too much."
All he did was look down in guilt. I knew tears were dwelling up in his eyes. He just refuses to let them out.