Saturday, July 24, 2010 @ 11:29 PM
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Sometimes, I choose to lie to myself thinking that he'd not cheat on me because no matter what, his heart is for me and no one else. I chose to close one eye and let him cheat on me as long as at the end of the day, he'd stay by my side. I know it's really stupid and most people who believes in mutual love would be against this crazy idea/belief I have. Till now, I cry thinking what I had done to deserve this from him. What have I ever done to deserve this kind of love. It's a crazy kind of love with him.
Yes, we were forced to break up. I kept saying it was a blessing in disguise as I finally got the chance to live my life as a semi-independent young adult. Looking for a proper job, getting my life back on track. Yeah, I had no life with him. Oh wait, I did and i've learnt so many things from him, no doubt. His friends were kind of the older ones and I have grown wiser, I suppose. So I thank him for that but I didn't appreciate the part whereby he took away my friends and family.
It was a blessing in disguise, I admit it was. But I just can't lie to myself anymore, telling myself I hate him. Yes, I do for the things he had done behind my back. It was the fact that I kept running back that has kept him going on, continuing cheating on me. Ironic isn't it? I didn't choose for it to be this way. Like the phrase says, "It's hard to tell your mind you don't love him when your heart still does."
Everytime he does something which would upset any other girl in this world, I would accept his apology and go back into his arms and I felt ashamed of myself for doing so. Where was my pride? Why am I being so easy? I swore I would never accept a guy after he has betrayed me twice. Yeah, not once because i've learnt to believe that people deserves 2nd chances. But all this craze is simply cause i'm still in love. I can't help it, I still love him.
I need to be strong and stop meeting him.
I need to be strong and reject his calls and not reply to his texts.
I gotta stop trying to make him jealous.
I gotta stop crying for him every night when he's enjoying it all away.
Everytime I try to get up and manage to stand up on my own 2 feet, he's just gonna push me back down, without me knowing. And then he's gonna lend a hand, offering me help to get back up. I've always accepted your offer but this time i'll push it away and say, "I can stand up on my own."
I gotta be strong.